Monday, October 19, 2009
A return to writing.
Okay so my new year resolution didn't last for long and I am truely sorry. People have kept asking me over and over again, So Kirstin when are you going to post on the blog again. And usually I have responded with who knows but right now I just can't. And really I haven't even been able to bring myself to looking at the blog myself. It is just too difficult. Over the past months I have been experiencing my own grief more and more. I think the shock is beginning to wear off and the emotions are coming out. If you have seen me in person you may not have even been able to tell but inside I am falling apart. I have discovered that it is extremely hard for me to let people in to all my grief. I worry that they won't be able to handle it and so I just don't go there. Also many of the people who in the past I would have turned to I feel are the ones that I can't now because they also are grieving and I don't want to place anymore burden on them. It is tough being the strong one and sometimes I want to give up and just break down, but I know I can't. Wednesday will be exactly a year since Ben's death. I am sure on that day I will be fine but the anticipation and lead up has been pretty hard. It always seems like the lead up is worse than the actual days like at six months and the day of diagnosis etc. When I sit back and look at my life it is pretty amazing and good. This past year I bought a house, started working at the most amazing church with the most amazing staff, Spent lots of time with Raider watching him grow and go from being completely immobile to walking, then running and last week crawling (lol I know kinda backwards). He also has gone from our screeching teradactyl to a boy who won't stop talking (i think he takes after his mom on that one). I am surrounded by so many people who care so much for Raider and I and my life really is amazing but it is all in the shadow of losing the most important person in my life. Everything has a feeling of sadness connected to it because even though it is amazing I can't share it with Ben and I feel lonely even when I am in a room full of people. But even with that I can say that I am blessed and that I know God's love still remains within all my pain. After traveling this road for almost a year I can say it is an extremely difficult road but I am gaining strength each day and getting a little bit better at walking it. Thanks for reading and we will see if I can continue to write. Know that if I haven't posted for awhile it is most likely because life is hard at the moment. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers
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3 comments:
don't feel pressure to update the blog. It's great to read, but understandable that you are not doing it on a regular basis.
Kirstin, now I know why I have been feeling God putting you on my heart and mind so much lately. SO MUCH. The past week or so you have been at the forefront of my thoughts and prayers! I am so sorry things are so lonely without your husband, it is such a feeling of helplessness for the people who care about you! Praying just does not seem like enough. I cannot believe its been a year. You made it through, with amazing grace and strength that could only have come through HIM. You woke up each morning to be the best mother for Raider possible, and I am truly amazed. I'm sure there were days when you just felt like lying there and never getting out of bed, but you did. I am blessed to have such an example in my life, and such a friend as you. Love you.
Kirstin, I think about you and Ben every day. I wish I could give you some peace when you need it, and even when you're doing okay. I don't know how. But I do know how to pray, and I pray out of joy for who you are, out of sadness for the loss of Ben, out of happiness for your son- you stir up so many emotions and all of them make me wonder at how complex and intricate God has made you.
I truly and honestly cannot imagine what you have been through this last year- but I can thank God that he has made you- all of you- the brokeness, the grief, the loss, the joy, the happiness, the pain, the struggles...all that it means to be you- because you are indeed a lovely, beautiful, vibrant person even in your grief.
I hope you blog when you feel as though you are able- and if you can't blog, my thoughts and prayers are still with you.
God's peace,
Karen G.
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