The Desire To Be Needed

So right before Christmas I went to see my counselor and everything was great. I was doing wonderful. Actually it kind of surprised myself how good I felt. I think I was feeling good because I was going to be going home to see my family and friends and knew that I finally would be around people who really care for me. Well I think everything did a 180 about a week ago. I have been feeling the worst I have felt in a long time. I just am so depressed and can't get myself out of it. I actually feel the worst when I am around other people and all I want to do is stay home with Raider all day being a mom. I really didn't have any idea what was causing the depression and I thought it might be related to having to leave Wenatchee and come back to Spokane or maybe the hype of Christmas had worn off and I was realizing I was alone again, but today I think I figured it out. Figuring it out though has not solved the depression because really right now there is no solution. So this is what I think the issue is. I am no longer needed by anyone. Okay I know as soon as I write that everyone who is reading this is saying in their head that is so not true. Raider definitely needs you every second of every day and People rely on you at work and just think of all the people you come in contact with who in that moment need you. So yes in certain situations I am needed but overall I am not except for Raider. The type of needs that Raider has are so basic. It is basically keeping him alive and helping him develop into a wonderful person. I know this is pretty major stuff and I don't take it lightly and it is what gets me through most days. But the kind of need that I am talking about is the kind that Ben had for me. Ben needed me and I am talking about before he got sick. He needed me in his life. He needed me as his wife to share in everyday activities with and to make decisions. He needed me in order to live life together. I needed him too for all the same things. I needed him to comfort me when life got hard. I needed him to complain to about all the annoying things in my day. I needed him so that when something exciting happened I could share it and not feel like I was sharing it with someone who really didn't care but was listening to be polite. I just needed him and he needed me. Apart from Ben I also felt needed by my best friend. I was needed in that friendship as someone who was a listening ear and could give advice when needed. I was needed to share in laughing and crying through lifes ups and downs. It was another person who I could just share my life with and I didn't feel like I was intruding on thiers. Well here is the thing. I lost Ben and my best friend all at the same time. One due to illness the other due to life situations. The two people who needed me no longer needed me. I have nobody who thinks to call me first when something exciting happens and I have nobody to call when my life sucks without feeling like a burden. Even when exciting things happen I really don't have anyone to call who I know will genuinely be excited to listen to me share. I know many of you will say you can call me anytime I would love to listen or hang out. But truthfully I don't feel that way. Whenever I am in a moment and want to call someone or hang out it always think that person is probably busy or they need time with their family or they can't leave their kids and so on. Anyway like I said earlier there really is no solution to my problem as of now. Maybe someday in the future I will find another friend that will take me as I am and be able to need me in all these ways and I will need them too. I guess time will tell and I will just live my life hoping for that day to come. Life is lonely right now but I trust that it will not always be this way.


ETA (Edit to Add)
So I just went back and read this post and it kind of sounds like I am just complaining and not appreciative of what I do have. I just want to say this was more of just a rant for how I am feeling at this specific time. I know that others are not to blame for my place in life and I am not expecting others to fix it. I am just sharing with the world my thoughts. So if you read this and feel like I sound like I am annoyed with everyone for not being there for me I'm not. I love you all and know that you all think and pray for me often and I truely appreciate that. I thank God for all of you who have been in my life and helped me through this past year. I have heard many times that the second year is the hardest and I am coming to find out that this is definitely true. Another thing that I wanted to share with you about this blog is that it is a way for me to reach out. I find it really hard in my life to reach out to other people. I don't want to bother them or bring them down. My life sucks and it can be pretty depressing and I don't want others feeling like everytime they are around me all we do is talk about depressing things. So I find it really hard to reach out. Also this past year I haven't been the best at keeping in contact with everyone. It is strange how before Ben died I always wanted to talk to people but since he got sick it has been hard for me to call my friends. I feel guilty. I feel like when I call people I put them in a situation where they don't always know what to say or do and then I feel bad. So I am just going to put it out here on my blog. There really isn't anything you can say or do that will make me feel any worse, but there may be a chance that you could say something that makes me feel better. But also don't think that when you are talking to me you need to make me feel better. Really all I want is to have a normal conversation about normal life. My sister said something interesting to me the other day. I was telling her how I had to tell someone that my husband had passed away and how I hate doing that because the person always feels bad for having said anything and I feel like I ruined their day. My sister said you know it is funny that people respond that way, like they are reminding you of Ben and making you feel sad by you talking about him. It isn't like you are going around never thinking about him and then all of a sudden because of them you are reminded that your husband passed away and brought into this great sadness. No you are constantly thinking about him and always sad, but getting to talk about him actually makes you feel better so really it is the opposite of what they may be thinking. And you know what my sister is exactly right. I am thinking about Ben all day long without ever stopping and my day is overshadowed by sadness, but those moments where somebody asks me about my husband I feel like somebody actually cares about me and that I can share my suffering and become a whole person for that moment. It is my life right now and it is what makes me who I am, I feel like when I can't share that with somebody I am so distant and alone. So don't think that bringing Ben up in conversation is a bad thing or don't think that we have to talk about Ben at all when we chat. If it comes up it does, if it doesn't than it doesn't. I guess this edit got a little bigger than I expected. I just started realizing all those things that I wish I could say to people to make them feel a little more comfortable around me. Even if this doesn't change anything I will feel better because I feel like I have gotten it out there and don't have to worry about feeling guilty for letting people enter into my life.