Busy, Busy, Busy

So my life is so busy all the time.  During all the business all I can think about is getting a break or some time off to relax.  But when I get those days off I end up being incredibly bored and fall into depression.  I recently had two days in a row off with absolutely nothing to do.  I ended up spending the first day with Raider at home and then the second day I did end up meeting up with some friends later in the day.  After that first day without leaving the house I was so depressed and it lasted about a week.  I was starting the think that maybe I was just keeping myself busy so that I didn't have to deal with the grief.  But then I talked to my sister and realized that I have been this way my whole life.  She told me that she remembered when I was a kid on Sundays after church lying on the floor kicking and screaming begging my mom to take me to do something.  Even though we most likely had spent the entire weekend doing fun stuff and away from home I could not handle staying home on Sundays.  I would get incredibly bored.  I guess I am just a social person ha ha.  I do know that I have always hated solitude and being alone.  I love to talk and that is how I process the world so when I am alone I struggle.  When I was in seminary I remember having an assignment to spend 3 hours in solitude.  I dreaded it and procrastinated it till the last minute and I really didn't enjoy the time when I did it.  Everyone at seminary seemed to talk about how important solitude was for our faith and how we connect with God through solitude.  A lot of the spiritual practices are based on solitude.  I understand that this can be a great way to connect with God and for many it is the best way for them to connect with God.  For me though I seem to connect to God the most through music and worship which are very communal things for me.  So back to me being busy all the time.  I think one of my greatest struggles right now is slowing down and being alone.  I am forced to slow down every now and again and when I do I am completely alone.  Yes I know I have many of you thinking of me and many of you say I could give you a call and of course Raider is with me but in all actuality I am still alone in my house when I slow down.  I am still alone in parenting.  I am still alone in paying my bills.  I am still alone in sharing my life with another individual.  I am still without Ben so I am still alone.  So I guess I will remain busy and I will continue to hate slowing down, but I know this is going to be my life because it always has been since I was a little girl and I am okay with that.  Well since I haven't posted in awhile I have a bunch of pictures to share.  Raider is such a big boy now.  He turned two on January 29th.  He is talking up a storm and knows pretty much all the names of the trains on Thomas the Tank Engine.  Percy and Toby are definitely his favorites but he really isn't all that picky.  As long as he has some trains and track he is a happy boy.  He honestly would play with trains from the moment he woke up till the moment he went to sleep if I allowed him too.  He also shakes in excitement just to see real trains going by.  Trains were something that both Ben's dad Terry and Ben loved as well.  I think this must be a hereditary thing because never did I push trains on Raider  yet he is as obsessed as his daddy.   Well anyway here are some pics.

The boys turn two (birthday cupcakes and yogurt covered bananas)




A boy and his puppy


Sleeping with all three Whiffers and his trains


Real boys wear pink (his Daddy had the same polo shirt)


Easter




The cousins came for a visit and they got to take a bath in green water


Bubbles


We went to Holden Village with the youth group and the boys decided they wanted to take this picture with Raider.  I thought it was extremely cute that high school boys thought up this shot.


Throwing rocks


Not quite potty trained but it is still fun to wear big boy underwear and play with puzzles


Sitting in my beanbag chair mommy made me


My very first train ride and the cousins got to come along too