On a Brighter Note

What will a couple of weeks and some meds will do?  Well everything I guess.  As many of you know throughout this entire journey I have never taken any depression meds and it was not because I thought they were bad or that I was less of a person if I took them.  It was more that I felt that my depression was situational and that it was due to grief that I wanted to feel and knew I needed to feel in order to be healthy.  My doctor as well as my counselor agreed as well that I did not need meds at that time.  I was functioning fine and my busy life was keeping me from going into a deep depression.  Well all that changed when I had some time to just sit with myself and my life.  My new life in Wenatchee is nowhere near the life I had in Spokane.  I have very few responsibilities right now and my job is part time.  When I had three weeks off from my job at Christmas I had nothing that forced me to get out of bed.  I was able to sink into the depression that I wrote about in my last post.  I am so glad that my doctor's wife is a personal friend who called me and said "Kirstin, you need to be on antidepressants.  So I listened and here I am three years later needing meds.  I am so thankful for them actually.  I need them and I want them because I want to live a life full of hope for my future here on earth.

My doctor told me I wouldn't really feel the affects of the meds for at least a month but I am already starting to feel better, but that may also be due to the fact that my life is busy again.  I started teaching Intro to Sociology at Wenatchee Valley College again and I love love love my new class of students.  Also Raider started swimming lessons this week, which is just way to cute to even describe, and my sister and I started a new workout called Insanity and let me tell you it is insane but I am loving pushing myself physically.  I fell hope for things to come and I am finding joy in my life.

Since Ben has died and I have continued to battle obstacles in my life many of my friends have told me I should change my middle name to Job.  I always found this funny and kinda felt like I was Job sometimes. So the other day I decided I would read Job and see if I would connect with Job and his experiences.  I hadn't read Job in probably 15 years so didn't really remember much about it.  What I found out was that I didn't really relate to him all that much.

In the book of Job everything that is important to Job is taken from him and he is inflicted with unbearable physical pain.  Three of his friends come to him and the majority of the book is the conversations between Job and his friends.  Job complaining about his life and his friends encouraging him.  In this way I connect with Job.  I feel that over the past three years most of the relationships I have turned into this type of exchange.  Me complaining about my life and sharing my grief, sadness and depression and my friends reassuring me and encouraging me.  A lot of the time they would say look around you at what you do have.  Look at Raider and how God has blessed you.  And honestly I did look around and feel blessed with a job that I loved, a house that I was able to buy, an amazing son, and family and friends who truly loved and cared for me.  But here is thing thing.  None of that made up for the gigantic hole in my life left by Ben and none of that will.  I feel blessed everyday and find joy everyday in what I have been blessed with, but I also feel sadness everyday because I have lost my best friend, father of my child and companion.  Really this is a selfish emotion because it is all about me.  It is about what I have lost and what I lack and this is where I identify with Job.  His emotions were all about himself and what he had lost and what he lacked and no matter what his friends said he just couldn't get past those selfish feelings to see the bigger picture.

Now the part where I do not feel like Job at all.  Job literally cursed the day he was born and continually states that he wants to die, his life has no purpose or meaning and everything would just be better off if he had never been created by God.  I DO NOT feel this way and have never ever felt this way and I hope that I never come to a point in my life where I can't recognize that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.  I know that my life has purpose and meaning and I know that God has used me, is using me and will continue to use me in order that His will be done.  This is what got me out of that bed and moving again.  God is not done with me, He created me for a purpose and I haven't completed that job just yet.  There is work to be done in God's name and I better get out of bed and go do it.  No matter what obstacle comes my way I know that God is still using me.  No matter how much I suffer I know that God created me for a purpose and no matter how far I feel from God I know that He is right next to me guiding me along the journey.  I am so glad that I am not Job, not just because of what he went through but because I know that God loves me and that there is work to still be done, even within the worst circumstances.

So what exactly will a couple weeks and a few meds do?  Everything.  I have hope, I have joy and I am no longer lying in bed.  All Praise, Glory and Honor be to God!