Three years later

Well I quit posting on here it looks like a little over a year ago and at that time things were going pretty well.  I enjoyed living in Spokane, I had friends that I cared about, I liked my job and there was hope for my future.  A lot has changed since last November.  And let me warn you now this isn't going to be a happy or joyful blog entry.  Since then I have lost my job (I did not choose to leave on my own), moved back to Wenatchee and in with my parents, struggled to pay the bills along with my mortgage (thank goodness I have figured out how to keep my house), gotten a part time job teaching sociology at the local community college, rejoined my home congregation and started the difficult journey of trying to figure out who I am and what to do with my life.  

Some of the changes have been good.  Like teaching and being back in the church that has always been home for me.  The rest of it though has been crap.  Today actually has probably been the worst day I have had since Ben died.  You would think the worst days would come quickly after his death but for me it has come a little over three years later.  The last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult and have only grown more and more tough.  Each day seems to get a little worse and I seem to withdraw a little more.  Today I only have gotten out of bed twice.  Once to shower and deposit a check at the bank and the other to eat dinner.  Life is not easy right now.  So why am I writing about it?  Because I want the world to know that grief doesn't go away after the first year or second year or third year.  It lasts forever.  And sometimes it is even worse three years later.

So what do I know right now.  Well I know that I miss Ben and I miss the companionship and comfort that he gave.  I miss his strength that kept me going even when times were hard.  I miss his humor.  But most of all I miss his love.  I don't feel that kind of love anymore and I miss it and I don't know if I will ever feel it again.  I am trying to figure out how to live without it and I am not doing to well.  

I posted a question on my Facebook status "What gets you out of bed each day?"  Because I wanted to know what it was that got people out of bed and made life joyful.  Physically each day I get out of bed because I have Raider to take care of, but mentally/emotionally I have no clue why I get out of bed each day.  I don't even know who I am right now.  I don't even know what God is calling me to at the moment.  So what is getting me out of bed?  Today it was to deposit a check and eat.  

Here is what I also know.  Right now the only time I feel normal or at peace is when I am at church during worship, in bible study or reading my bible at home.  Actually while I was in bed today all I did was read my bible.  The only thing that seems to make sense is my faith.  When I have nothing else to cling to I can cling to God.  But for some reason this isn't giving me hope.  It is more of a desperate clinging to God than a so glad God is in my life bestowing blessings upon me.  I am hoping one day I feel the blessings of God again but for now I will just live with the fact that I can cling to him and know that he isn't letting go of me.  

So for now I am depressed and not quite sure of what to do with it but I will continue to cling to God and know that he is working in ways that I have no way to understand or comprehend.  One day I hope to not be where I am right now and I will continue to try to listen to the voice of God calling me to something bigger and better than today.