My little boy is 1!

So today is Raider's first birthday! In some ways I can't believe he is already a year old. I can remember when he was first born thinking that one day he would be 1 was close to impossible. But here we are a year later and he is 1. Most people will say on their child's first birthday that it seems like just yesterday when they were born, but for me it really seems like an eternity ago. Truthfully it seems like almost a whole different time in my life like when you look back on when you were a kid or something. When I think about a year ago on this day I can barely handle holding back the tears. I had never been so in love with my husband but also frustrated with him because he hadn't helped me in the way I had wanted during labor. Also I remember how Ben wouldn't leave the hospital even to go home and take a shower because he wanted to spend all his time with Raider and me. It was just the two of us with our little baby boy. My mom was supposed to be there with us but she ended up being in Seattle with my sister instead. At the time I was a little dissappointed and nervous since it was just Ben and I and we had never been parents before but now I look back and think how perfect it was. It was just our family and Ben and I were learning how to be parent's together. Raider was born during a snowstorm and so after three days in the hospital our driveway was full of snow. When we got home we couldn't even get into it so Ben parked on the street and carried Raider inside in his carseat. Our neighbors were outside shoveling their roof and Ben was so proud to show off his brand new baby to them. I went insided and sat in the recliner rocking Raider while I watched Ben shovel the driveway outside. When he was done I vividly remember him coming inside and having the feeling like this was the beginning of our wonderful family. It is so nice to look back but so painful at the same time. I miss that life soooooo much and don't even know how to connect it with my life now. My doctor asked me the other day if i like Spokane or Sandpoint better and to tell you the truth I couldn't give an answer. I really can't compare the two. Not just because they are different but because my life is so different. I miss Ben so much and I miss my life with him. I miss watching him and Raider play together and I miss him bringing Raider to me while I was in the shower so I could give Raider a bath. I miss how he used to be so gentle and take forever while changing Raider's diaper (daddy would play, while mommy was all about just getting the clothes on). I miss watching his eyes light up when he found the cutest outfit for Raider at a re-sale store. I miss doing the children's sermon and looking up and seeing Raider in his daddy's lap. What I miss the most is waking up each morning and looking over to see Raider and his daddy cuddleing in bed. I just miss Ben so much and wish he were here for this amazing day. Our son made it through his first year of life and he is such an amazing little boy. I know from now on every birthday Raider has is going to be bittersweet because he will have made it through another year of life but his Daddy will still not be here. I pray that as Raider gets older though that he will feel his Daddy's love and know that his Daddy thought the world of him.