Healing in NOLA

The city of New Orleans speaks to me and comforts me by saying, “I feel your pain too, and life will never be the same.” 

New Orleans is a city with a gigantic wound that is still healing.  You cannot think of New Orleans without thinking of Hurricane Katrina.  It was a hurricane that devastated a city and a people.  This wound will forever be a part of the history and story of New Orleans and it will forever be felt by those who call the city home and for those who visit.  Katrina left a large gaping wound that throbbed with pain and was unbearable.  But the city refused to give up and faced it’s pain head on.  They continued to live each day putting one foot in front on another and moving forward hoping that the wound would begin to heal and they would be able to breath and live again.  And over time the city began to heal and outsiders were amazed at the strength of the city.  About two and a half years ago I visited New Orleans and was shocked to see how much devastation was still present.  Yes the city was healing but it was healing slowly.  Some areas quicker than others, but there was healing happening.  As I returned this week I could see the vast progress in the healing of the city and how putting one foot in front of another and not giving up had worked to heal a city.  Yes New Orleans is healing and things are getting better and hope is seen again but there is still a big fat scar that is seen everywhere you look.  You can’t look at the fixed up buildings, new construction or booming businesses without also seeing what was there before, a broken world.  The scar is still new.  The wound has just lost its scab and the scar is a deep red.  I know as time goes on the scar will begin to lighten and fade.  It will be harder and harder to see, but it will always be there affecting the city and people of New Orleans.

New Orleans and I are alike.  The city is a little farther along in the journey.  My wound is healing slowly.  You can’t look at my life without seeing my wound.  You never will.  It is forever a part of my life, history and story and will forever be felt.  Ben’s death tore me apart it ripped me open and created a gaping wound.  It throbbed with pain and was unbearable at times.  But I refused to give up.  I put one foot in front of the other and moved forward hoping the wound would heal with time.  And you know what it has begun healing.  It has scabbed over and eventually will turn into a scar, bright red at first but will fade over time.  It will never go away but it will become harder to see.  I will be proud of that scar even if it is a reminder of pain, because that scar is me and who I am and reminds me that as we put one foot in front of another we begin to heal and have hope again for the future.

The past couple days have been days of extreme healing in my life.  Some of my wound had opened up in December and I was struggling to heal.  But this trip has reversed all of that.  I was able to take a breath, relax and let the healing take place.  I spent time with one of my most amazing friends and met some amazing new ones as well.  I got to speak with mentors who encouraged me and spoke truth into my life, and I allowed myself to continually have fun forgetting about all the stress of my current situation and just being me.  I found that I really liked that girl and so did others.  I also discovered that yes there is hope for even a girl with a scar as big as mine.

So what else has this trip done?  Like I said I have hope again.  I am excited about living and breathing and healing.  I am excited that my life is a blank slate and that really I could do anything my heart desires.  I could pick up and move across the country or even around the world.  I could pursue a job that I have never even thought of before.  I can take risks and meet new people because really there is nothing to lose.  I have hit the floor face down and now all I need to do is stand back up face a new direction and go.  I love my life!!  Who wants to join me on this journey?  I can’t tell you where we are going but I know it is going to be quite the ride.

On a Brighter Note

What will a couple of weeks and some meds will do?  Well everything I guess.  As many of you know throughout this entire journey I have never taken any depression meds and it was not because I thought they were bad or that I was less of a person if I took them.  It was more that I felt that my depression was situational and that it was due to grief that I wanted to feel and knew I needed to feel in order to be healthy.  My doctor as well as my counselor agreed as well that I did not need meds at that time.  I was functioning fine and my busy life was keeping me from going into a deep depression.  Well all that changed when I had some time to just sit with myself and my life.  My new life in Wenatchee is nowhere near the life I had in Spokane.  I have very few responsibilities right now and my job is part time.  When I had three weeks off from my job at Christmas I had nothing that forced me to get out of bed.  I was able to sink into the depression that I wrote about in my last post.  I am so glad that my doctor's wife is a personal friend who called me and said "Kirstin, you need to be on antidepressants.  So I listened and here I am three years later needing meds.  I am so thankful for them actually.  I need them and I want them because I want to live a life full of hope for my future here on earth.

My doctor told me I wouldn't really feel the affects of the meds for at least a month but I am already starting to feel better, but that may also be due to the fact that my life is busy again.  I started teaching Intro to Sociology at Wenatchee Valley College again and I love love love my new class of students.  Also Raider started swimming lessons this week, which is just way to cute to even describe, and my sister and I started a new workout called Insanity and let me tell you it is insane but I am loving pushing myself physically.  I fell hope for things to come and I am finding joy in my life.

Since Ben has died and I have continued to battle obstacles in my life many of my friends have told me I should change my middle name to Job.  I always found this funny and kinda felt like I was Job sometimes. So the other day I decided I would read Job and see if I would connect with Job and his experiences.  I hadn't read Job in probably 15 years so didn't really remember much about it.  What I found out was that I didn't really relate to him all that much.

In the book of Job everything that is important to Job is taken from him and he is inflicted with unbearable physical pain.  Three of his friends come to him and the majority of the book is the conversations between Job and his friends.  Job complaining about his life and his friends encouraging him.  In this way I connect with Job.  I feel that over the past three years most of the relationships I have turned into this type of exchange.  Me complaining about my life and sharing my grief, sadness and depression and my friends reassuring me and encouraging me.  A lot of the time they would say look around you at what you do have.  Look at Raider and how God has blessed you.  And honestly I did look around and feel blessed with a job that I loved, a house that I was able to buy, an amazing son, and family and friends who truly loved and cared for me.  But here is thing thing.  None of that made up for the gigantic hole in my life left by Ben and none of that will.  I feel blessed everyday and find joy everyday in what I have been blessed with, but I also feel sadness everyday because I have lost my best friend, father of my child and companion.  Really this is a selfish emotion because it is all about me.  It is about what I have lost and what I lack and this is where I identify with Job.  His emotions were all about himself and what he had lost and what he lacked and no matter what his friends said he just couldn't get past those selfish feelings to see the bigger picture.

Now the part where I do not feel like Job at all.  Job literally cursed the day he was born and continually states that he wants to die, his life has no purpose or meaning and everything would just be better off if he had never been created by God.  I DO NOT feel this way and have never ever felt this way and I hope that I never come to a point in my life where I can't recognize that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the universe.  I know that my life has purpose and meaning and I know that God has used me, is using me and will continue to use me in order that His will be done.  This is what got me out of that bed and moving again.  God is not done with me, He created me for a purpose and I haven't completed that job just yet.  There is work to be done in God's name and I better get out of bed and go do it.  No matter what obstacle comes my way I know that God is still using me.  No matter how much I suffer I know that God created me for a purpose and no matter how far I feel from God I know that He is right next to me guiding me along the journey.  I am so glad that I am not Job, not just because of what he went through but because I know that God loves me and that there is work to still be done, even within the worst circumstances.

So what exactly will a couple weeks and a few meds do?  Everything.  I have hope, I have joy and I am no longer lying in bed.  All Praise, Glory and Honor be to God!

Three years later

Well I quit posting on here it looks like a little over a year ago and at that time things were going pretty well.  I enjoyed living in Spokane, I had friends that I cared about, I liked my job and there was hope for my future.  A lot has changed since last November.  And let me warn you now this isn't going to be a happy or joyful blog entry.  Since then I have lost my job (I did not choose to leave on my own), moved back to Wenatchee and in with my parents, struggled to pay the bills along with my mortgage (thank goodness I have figured out how to keep my house), gotten a part time job teaching sociology at the local community college, rejoined my home congregation and started the difficult journey of trying to figure out who I am and what to do with my life.  

Some of the changes have been good.  Like teaching and being back in the church that has always been home for me.  The rest of it though has been crap.  Today actually has probably been the worst day I have had since Ben died.  You would think the worst days would come quickly after his death but for me it has come a little over three years later.  The last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult and have only grown more and more tough.  Each day seems to get a little worse and I seem to withdraw a little more.  Today I only have gotten out of bed twice.  Once to shower and deposit a check at the bank and the other to eat dinner.  Life is not easy right now.  So why am I writing about it?  Because I want the world to know that grief doesn't go away after the first year or second year or third year.  It lasts forever.  And sometimes it is even worse three years later.

So what do I know right now.  Well I know that I miss Ben and I miss the companionship and comfort that he gave.  I miss his strength that kept me going even when times were hard.  I miss his humor.  But most of all I miss his love.  I don't feel that kind of love anymore and I miss it and I don't know if I will ever feel it again.  I am trying to figure out how to live without it and I am not doing to well.  

I posted a question on my Facebook status "What gets you out of bed each day?"  Because I wanted to know what it was that got people out of bed and made life joyful.  Physically each day I get out of bed because I have Raider to take care of, but mentally/emotionally I have no clue why I get out of bed each day.  I don't even know who I am right now.  I don't even know what God is calling me to at the moment.  So what is getting me out of bed?  Today it was to deposit a check and eat.  

Here is what I also know.  Right now the only time I feel normal or at peace is when I am at church during worship, in bible study or reading my bible at home.  Actually while I was in bed today all I did was read my bible.  The only thing that seems to make sense is my faith.  When I have nothing else to cling to I can cling to God.  But for some reason this isn't giving me hope.  It is more of a desperate clinging to God than a so glad God is in my life bestowing blessings upon me.  I am hoping one day I feel the blessings of God again but for now I will just live with the fact that I can cling to him and know that he isn't letting go of me.  

So for now I am depressed and not quite sure of what to do with it but I will continue to cling to God and know that he is working in ways that I have no way to understand or comprehend.  One day I hope to not be where I am right now and I will continue to try to listen to the voice of God calling me to something bigger and better than today.

Wow, things have changed!!

So over the weekend I was given a copy of a documentary that I am in.  The documentary is about God's call and vocation in life when we are going through changes.  Obviously mine was about me losing Ben and adjusting to being a single parent and how my vocation fits into that.  The documentary came out great.    As I was watching it though I felt like I was almost watching a different person.  The filming took place last school year.  In June I felt like I came out of the depression that I had been experiencing since Ben died.  So when the filming was going on I was definitely in a state of depression.  I could see it in my eyes, in my body posture and even in my voice and how I spoke of my situation.  I felt so badly for that girl.  I knew exactly what she was going through but I had come out on the other side.  I felt like speaking out loud to myself on the screen and saying, don't worry it is going to be okay.  You are doing great, look at all the blessings around you.  I just didn't want the me in the documentary to be feeling how she obviously was feeling.

At the same time I felt bad for the me in the video I also was so aware of how far I have come now.  I am so happy to be where I am right now.  I am really starting to look forward to whatever my future may hold.  I am ready to do something, go somewhere, be happy and enjoy the simple things in life.

I finally feel like I have friends here in Spokane and I don't need to drive home to Wenatchee every other weekend.  My life is still incredibly busy but it is because I am going out and doing things for myself and having fun.  I no longer hate time alone.  I love weekends where I don't have anything to do and can just stay home and hang out with Raider.

Things have definitely come a long way over the past two years.  But the journey is not done.  There is still a long way for me to go and I am so excited about what that journey will be.  I am hopeful for my future and can't wait to see what will happen next.

Busy, Busy, Busy

So my life is so busy all the time.  During all the business all I can think about is getting a break or some time off to relax.  But when I get those days off I end up being incredibly bored and fall into depression.  I recently had two days in a row off with absolutely nothing to do.  I ended up spending the first day with Raider at home and then the second day I did end up meeting up with some friends later in the day.  After that first day without leaving the house I was so depressed and it lasted about a week.  I was starting the think that maybe I was just keeping myself busy so that I didn't have to deal with the grief.  But then I talked to my sister and realized that I have been this way my whole life.  She told me that she remembered when I was a kid on Sundays after church lying on the floor kicking and screaming begging my mom to take me to do something.  Even though we most likely had spent the entire weekend doing fun stuff and away from home I could not handle staying home on Sundays.  I would get incredibly bored.  I guess I am just a social person ha ha.  I do know that I have always hated solitude and being alone.  I love to talk and that is how I process the world so when I am alone I struggle.  When I was in seminary I remember having an assignment to spend 3 hours in solitude.  I dreaded it and procrastinated it till the last minute and I really didn't enjoy the time when I did it.  Everyone at seminary seemed to talk about how important solitude was for our faith and how we connect with God through solitude.  A lot of the spiritual practices are based on solitude.  I understand that this can be a great way to connect with God and for many it is the best way for them to connect with God.  For me though I seem to connect to God the most through music and worship which are very communal things for me.  So back to me being busy all the time.  I think one of my greatest struggles right now is slowing down and being alone.  I am forced to slow down every now and again and when I do I am completely alone.  Yes I know I have many of you thinking of me and many of you say I could give you a call and of course Raider is with me but in all actuality I am still alone in my house when I slow down.  I am still alone in parenting.  I am still alone in paying my bills.  I am still alone in sharing my life with another individual.  I am still without Ben so I am still alone.  So I guess I will remain busy and I will continue to hate slowing down, but I know this is going to be my life because it always has been since I was a little girl and I am okay with that.  Well since I haven't posted in awhile I have a bunch of pictures to share.  Raider is such a big boy now.  He turned two on January 29th.  He is talking up a storm and knows pretty much all the names of the trains on Thomas the Tank Engine.  Percy and Toby are definitely his favorites but he really isn't all that picky.  As long as he has some trains and track he is a happy boy.  He honestly would play with trains from the moment he woke up till the moment he went to sleep if I allowed him too.  He also shakes in excitement just to see real trains going by.  Trains were something that both Ben's dad Terry and Ben loved as well.  I think this must be a hereditary thing because never did I push trains on Raider  yet he is as obsessed as his daddy.   Well anyway here are some pics.

The boys turn two (birthday cupcakes and yogurt covered bananas)




A boy and his puppy


Sleeping with all three Whiffers and his trains


Real boys wear pink (his Daddy had the same polo shirt)


Easter




The cousins came for a visit and they got to take a bath in green water


Bubbles


We went to Holden Village with the youth group and the boys decided they wanted to take this picture with Raider.  I thought it was extremely cute that high school boys thought up this shot.


Throwing rocks


Not quite potty trained but it is still fun to wear big boy underwear and play with puzzles


Sitting in my beanbag chair mommy made me


My very first train ride and the cousins got to come along too

No Words!

So about an hour ago I got a phone call and found out that a friend from Sandpoint has been diagnosed with some type of brain cancer. They are awaiting results to find out what kind but there is a possibility that it could be a glioblastoma. I am just so in shock right now and can't even think of anything to say. One of the reasons I am so taken aback by this whole thing is that In the past year and a half I have now known three people who have been diagnosed with brain cancer and two of them were glioblastomas and that may be all three. I don't quite understand what is going on. My friend in Sandpoint is married and has three boys and my heart just aches for all of them right now. I can just see the path that they may be walking soon and I just know how hard it is. It just seems like every time I think things are starting to look up and I am moving forward I get slammed back down to reality that life can just really suck. You know what I keep thinking about my friend is that He and his family were some of the people who came and helped me pack all of my stuff up in Sandpoint and move it down to Spokane. They also are the ones who when I have ended back up in Sandpoint for visits that I tend to see and they always seem genuinely concerned about how I am doing. Actually I just ran in to this friend when I was up there two weeks ago. It just seems like something like brian cancer is so rare that two people from a small town let alone a church should end up with it so close together. I don't know I am just full of so many questions right now and no answers. I guess what I hope for is that my situation may help someone else go down that road and give them comfort that they are not alone.

my new goals

So Raider is now 2 years old. The other day I was going through his newborn clothing to give to my sister for her soon to arrive baby and it just seemed like forever ago when he was wearing those tiny tiny clothes. Part of turning two is having your well child checkup and of course Raider is doing awesome. He is talking like crazy and of course his favorite word is Choo Choo Train which sounds like choo choo yah. The nice thing about Raider's well child checkups is that my doctor always checks up on me too. One of the things he suggested I work on is trying to eat better and try to get some more time for myself. My eating is pretty sporadic because I don't put much effort into making sure I eat regularly. Also I rarely get anytime for myself and tend to just schedule my life away. After I left the appointment I called my sister crying because these two goals just made me realize how alone I really am. Both of these goals were completely connected to me being by myself. I don't eat because it is just me and I don't do stuff without Raider because it is just me. But after I broke down for a bit I decided the only way to deal with loneliness is to deal with it head on so I have been working on both of these goals for the past couple weeks. I have been making myself meals at night which makes me feel really good. I love to cook but usually when I get home I just feel so exhausted and don't want to cook. What I have found is that cooking when I get home actually gives me some energy. It makes me feel like my old self. Like that wife and mother that I always dreamed of being. I guess being domestic makes me feel good. I also have eaten lunch everyday since my doctor's appointment. Breakfast on the other hand I am still trying to tackle. I am planning to bring some bagels and cream cheese to work and just eat breakfast during coffee break everyday. The taking time for myself was pretty overwhelming to me though I do have to admit. The day after my doctor's appointment I met with my counselor who helped me break this goal down into something more manageable. He said he wanted me to go out to a movie at least once a month. I can handle and afford that. Now I just need to find people to go with me. This Friday I am going to go out with some friends to one of those paint your own pottery places and I am super excited. I am really trying to work on these goals. I know they are extremely important for my health and for my healing. Let's just hope this is something that I can keep up with.