Monday, November 17, 2008
The beginning of just Raider and Me
Today was my first day alone. Everyday up until now I have been with someone all day. I have even been sharing a bed with someone ever since Ben passed. Last night was the first night I slept alone. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Yes it was hard but actually in a way it was freeing. I could just be and I didn't feel like I had to be anything for anybody but myself. Even though today I was by myself I still wasn't completely alone because I went to Target and Fred Meyer's because I needed to pick up some stuff. Raider was also with me so again I wasn't completely alone. I had a nice and peaceful day. I got to see some old co-workers from Target which was very nice. It is so nice to be reminded that people are thinking of you and care. Raider was such a happy boy today. He was so much fun to play with and he laughed all day long. He has been getting his top teeth for the longest time and they so are about to come through and I am hoping it is any day now. He is finally on a nap schedule now. At first he was only taking like 20-30 minute naps and then waking up but I found that if I didn't go in to get him when he woke up that he would fall back asleep in a couple of minutes, so now he is taking anywhere from 1-2 hour naps twice a day. As soon as I get into a place in Spokane we are going to start working on sleeping through the night. I am still having to get up with him three or four times a night to nurse and I know this is all about comfort and not because he is hungry. I feel weird because all of the things I thought I was going to do with Raider have all changed since Ben died. It is more out of necessity now than anything. I had planned on cosleeping with Raider for awhile but now it looks like I am going to be putting him in his own room because I have found that at night when I am sleeping is the only time I really have by myself away from him and I know in order to stay a good mom I need a break. Also I had wanted to make my own baby food but now Gerber will have to do because honestly I don't have the energy to make it myself. Also I was planning on taking Raider to work with me and I still do, but I am considering maybe 1-2 days a week trying to find someone to watch him so that I once again can get a break. It is hard to make some of these changes but I know in the long run it is what is best for Raider and me. Things are going to be tough and I am going to be in Spokane where I don't have my family or close friends, but I do have an amazing congregation full of people who have already showed me so much love and support who I know will be there for both Raider and me. I am starting to look forward to heading to Spokane but once again I am also fearful. I think this is going to be the soundtrack of my life for awhile. I am looking forward to a lot but fearful of it all at the same time. Thanks again for reading and posting your comments. Reading your comments reminds me I am not alone and I look forward to hearing from you everytime I check the blog.
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12 comments:
Don't forget you have alot of us close to you in Sandpoint, just an hour away! Love, April
We miss you, but we're glad you are getting settled in. Washington state is so beautiful. My Aunt Kate and sister Maggie are in Kirkland. It's nice to write you while looking at the photo of Raider sitting in his apple bushel basket. Let us know when you get your new address. Take care.
Love,
Dan & Kate
You will find out what works for you after some trials and errors. I am so thankful your new church in Spokane has been so wonderful and supportive of you, it will make the transition much smoother. I think it is great you are finding some time to be alone and take care of yourself...even if it is just when you sleep! :) Give that little man some love for me. My arms are seriously aching in anticipation of holding him and hugging you. I miss you guys so much.
I am back to the blog connection. I am so glad we have got to be together this last month even though it was the worst of circumstances. I don't want to let you go be alone even though this is what you and Raider need so much. we are closer than ever and I feel so far apart. Can't wait to see you come Thanksgiving. Loving and Missing.
I am spending my January Term at home/camp this year. I would love to watch Raider some for you. Maybe when it gets closer, we can figure out some times. Praying for you still in this hour. The Lord is blessing your strength sister.
Love and blessings,
Veronica
Oh, I so get the guilt of nursing all night, yet at the same time wishing you could get them to stop feeding at night, feeling like this too shall pass so suck it up and drive on....ooo bad use of words.
Anyway two great books got me through it. "The No Cry Sleep Solution" Great attachment parenting book, very supportive, got me through the guilt. Also Dr. Sears "Baby Sleep Book". It talks in there also about raising kids when you are all on your own. I think you will find both will put your mind at ease and give you some good options.
And we are here for you, anytime.d
Kirsten
I've been thinking so much about your loss. I too lost my husband at a very young age. My daughter Morgan was almost two. In fact, tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of his death and I can hardly believe it. As you know, I'm now remarried with two stepchildren and a son with Paul. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and the many struggles that lie ahead of you and little Raider. It seems like it is the little things that catch you off guard that can be the hardest. Ben will keep a special place in your heart forever and I want you to know that I think of you on a daily basis. You are a strong loving mother and Raider is so lucky to have you. Please don't hesitate to contact me if I can ever help you. God Bless, Sarah Guthrie sbluemer@co.bonner.id.us
Janel just told me you were still "blogging" at this site! It's a great way to "stay in touch." Maybe you will be in Spokane soon. Pray for an extra special child care person for Raider, when you can't bring him along.
Prayers for this and everything else. Love,Sonya N.
Kirsten,
Please let me know if you ever need anything. I will be happy to watch Raider anytime or if you just want to come and hang out or whatever. Raider can even spend the night if you need a break. Or you both can spend the night. Sammy would so love to spend time with him (and you). It sounds like you are getting back to the details of your life, I have heard it can be healing. As they say, "God is in the details." Your faith and strength is an ispiration. God's Peace Love, Lisa(Mueller).
Kirsten, I have just read your entire blog, beginning to ending ..so far You dont know me , my son Kevin and Ben were good friends when they were in grade School,and graduated together from Valpo HS. I live near Marla and Terry and apparantly I dont read the newspaper because until I ran into Marla last week I had no idea what had happened to Ben. Marla would always mention you and Ben when I would see her out walking the dog, she anticipated being a grandmother so much and talked so highly of you and of course Ben. Your strength is amazing, Im sure you got Ben through the most difficult days , I am soo very very sorry for your loss and the loss of a son for my friends Marla and Terry. You have wonderful inlaws, Raider is a blessing to you all. From your blogs Ben sounded like a very brave person throughout a very difficult ordeal, Im sure you were very instrumental in that. Stay strong and always ask for help , it sounds like you have a wonderful support staff. Sincerely , Linda Marler, Valparaiso
Kirstin and Raider,
We are really looking forward to you coming to St. Mark's! When you get here and settled, Beth and I would love to take you to lunch and to show you around town. So, be thinking about places (restaurants, coffee shops, grocery stores, etc) that you want to know about and we'll let you in on all the "best kept secrets"! And don't hesitate to call if you need anything. The church can get you my contact info. We're so excited to have you in Spokane!
Peace
Pat Shelley
St. Mark's Youth Committee
You are so amazing! I second the no-cry sleep solution, and any baby book by dr sears for that matter. (I think i actually have the No Cry book if you want to borrow it. I'll look.
Anyway, I think if you think you need that time to yourself, thats whats best for you and Raider. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Go with the flow! :)
So happy to see you today. I hope you enjoyed it too, my kids make it kind of hard for a full-on conversation lol. I'm here for you. Oh, I have those wipes for you too. They are velour/velour, sherpa/velour, and flannel/flannel. Okay, now I see how much I typed and I should have just sent you a message lol. Oh well.
Roxanne
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